What would happen if I just quit my job, quit university, delete all my social media and disappeared.
Would people notice?
Would people care?
Would people worry?
Do people want me in their lives?
Do people only want me to be there wall that they can throw their shit lives at and know I will listen?
Do people care when I lie in bed at night crying tears of heavy pain?
Do people not want me to try?
Do people like me? Or the person I can put on?
Will anyone accept me for myself?
Will anyone take me in and say you have a home with those you love?
Will I find a home?
Will someone love me the way that I love them? Maybe thats not the right question, will someone love me their own crazy beautiful way?
Im scared I am starting to believe the voices
Maybe they are right
Maybe strong friendship and love are for storybooks.
That reality is terrible when really its not reality that is terrible but really the reality in my brain.
Would people care if I disappeared?
Would they worry?
Friday, 24 November 2017
Sunday, 19 November 2017
Future Questions
Why do we ask each other what we want to do with our lives? What we see ourselves doing in 5 years? When we will get married? When we will have kids?
Every week, year, decade changes what we want to do and how we view to world, how are we supposed to know what we want to do from the get go?
Why do we not instead start asking what do you want to do for yourself before you die? A bigger and grander question but one that will lead to small and vast ideas that are important whatever your ultimate life shapes out to be.
Maybe if we asked what we wanted to do before we die our dreams would be more tangible and todays trials and ups and downs would feel worth it.
If I was asked what I want to do before I die the list is pretty long, here are a few ideas that spring to mind.
Before I die, I want to
- Crash a wedding
- Have a cold/snowy christmas
- Ice skate on a pond
- Spray paint startling and encouraging messages all over a city
- Skydive
- Solo burlesque performance
- Climb a/many mountain(s)
- Walk in the wilderness for 100 days
- Have everyone that I love and care about in one place
- To make a bottle wish tree in a public place
- To sculpt, paint, draw, create exactly what I am feeling in an visual way
- To be able to hold my breath for 3 minutes
- Live everyday as though I've already lived it so I can appreciate the small parts
- Gather everyone in a neighbourhood to celebrate my dogs bday
- Learn to play the cello
- Join a band
And many many more ideas will increase the list as my life continues.
Every week, year, decade changes what we want to do and how we view to world, how are we supposed to know what we want to do from the get go?
Why do we not instead start asking what do you want to do for yourself before you die? A bigger and grander question but one that will lead to small and vast ideas that are important whatever your ultimate life shapes out to be.
Maybe if we asked what we wanted to do before we die our dreams would be more tangible and todays trials and ups and downs would feel worth it.
If I was asked what I want to do before I die the list is pretty long, here are a few ideas that spring to mind.
Before I die, I want to
- Crash a wedding
- Have a cold/snowy christmas
- Ice skate on a pond
- Spray paint startling and encouraging messages all over a city
- Skydive
- Solo burlesque performance
- Climb a/many mountain(s)
- Walk in the wilderness for 100 days
- Have everyone that I love and care about in one place
- To make a bottle wish tree in a public place
- To sculpt, paint, draw, create exactly what I am feeling in an visual way
- To be able to hold my breath for 3 minutes
- Live everyday as though I've already lived it so I can appreciate the small parts
- Gather everyone in a neighbourhood to celebrate my dogs bday
- Learn to play the cello
- Join a band
And many many more ideas will increase the list as my life continues.
Friday, 17 November 2017
Wednesday, 15 November 2017
Anxiety by any other name...
Anxiety, the word that people avoid or confuse with being anxious, stressed, confused.
This is my version of anxiety.
I can only write down what I've experienced.
Anxiety is waking up every morning and if you haven't laid your clothes out the night before you get a pain in your stomach about what you are going to wear.
Its being late and hating yourself every time you are because you know you calculated the walking before and you were on time.
Its calling your friend at anytime of day or night to ask them if you should take a certain bus or train or plane. Its running to the train, knowing you will miss it, knowing there is nothing you can do about it but yet feeling like you want to vomit.
Anxiety is staying up late because you haven't heard from those you love and you know that they are going through a tough time, yet anxiety makes you question calling them or checking in because you don't want to come off as clingy.
Anxiety is pushing other people to do their best because you want to push yourself to do the best but know that the anxiety will always be there to question everything.
Anxiety is wanting to say "fuck it" and leaving to try finding people with meaning and kindness yet knowing that you may always hate yourself for leaving.
Anxiety is knowing you love someone but not wanting to love them too much incase they get scared.
Anxiety is not wanting to go home to your family because you are so scared that they will judge you and not let you finish speaking.
Anxiety is crying every night because you feel alone but pushing people away because they wont hurt you as much if they get close.
Anxiety is trying to take a week to collect yourself and relax yet not being able to because the work and pressure gets too much.
Anxiety is asking if "we are ok," Its telling your friends thank you constantly so that they know how grateful you are for them putting up with your back and forth mind.
Anxiety makes letting go so hard because it doesnt see a balance and instead goodbye is either final or you are still in my life as an important human.
Anxiety is part of me. And its true, some days I truly hate it. And some people will never understand it and thats ok. But the people who do and know that when I crawl into bed and listen to loud music, walk to river in the middle of the night or hover over them asking if they are ok, its really a blessing to have you in my life. To the people who hold me when I have nightmares or answer my calls as I cry down the phone I promise that even if I havent told you, you are so so important to me and a treasure every singe one of you.
This is my version of anxiety.
I can only write down what I've experienced.
Anxiety is waking up every morning and if you haven't laid your clothes out the night before you get a pain in your stomach about what you are going to wear.
Its being late and hating yourself every time you are because you know you calculated the walking before and you were on time.
Its calling your friend at anytime of day or night to ask them if you should take a certain bus or train or plane. Its running to the train, knowing you will miss it, knowing there is nothing you can do about it but yet feeling like you want to vomit.
Anxiety is staying up late because you haven't heard from those you love and you know that they are going through a tough time, yet anxiety makes you question calling them or checking in because you don't want to come off as clingy.
Anxiety is pushing other people to do their best because you want to push yourself to do the best but know that the anxiety will always be there to question everything.
Anxiety is wanting to say "fuck it" and leaving to try finding people with meaning and kindness yet knowing that you may always hate yourself for leaving.
Anxiety is knowing you love someone but not wanting to love them too much incase they get scared.
Anxiety is not wanting to go home to your family because you are so scared that they will judge you and not let you finish speaking.
Anxiety is crying every night because you feel alone but pushing people away because they wont hurt you as much if they get close.
Anxiety is trying to take a week to collect yourself and relax yet not being able to because the work and pressure gets too much.
Anxiety is asking if "we are ok," Its telling your friends thank you constantly so that they know how grateful you are for them putting up with your back and forth mind.
Anxiety makes letting go so hard because it doesnt see a balance and instead goodbye is either final or you are still in my life as an important human.
Anxiety is part of me. And its true, some days I truly hate it. And some people will never understand it and thats ok. But the people who do and know that when I crawl into bed and listen to loud music, walk to river in the middle of the night or hover over them asking if they are ok, its really a blessing to have you in my life. To the people who hold me when I have nightmares or answer my calls as I cry down the phone I promise that even if I havent told you, you are so so important to me and a treasure every singe one of you.
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