Thoughts

I get home. Drop my bags at the door, hang my coat up and wash my hands. I turn the heat up and tie my hair into a knot. Turn up my music to block out the silence, I turn up my music to get back at my flatmate for playing drums at 8am this morning.
I sit at my desk. Its a mess, papers everywhere telling me to do this and complete that. I rub my head in stress my lips curled into a frustrated line.
My brain feels foggy and my body aches as though I am 80 rather than 20.
Trapped in this cycle of deadlines and seemingly pointless work.
If I choose to sit and read I am being unproductive, at least if I write then nobody can tell me that I am useless...I can't tell myself that I am useless.
Ok. I am going to buy some christmas presents and watch TV.
I will be productive after dinner.

Runaway

What would happen if I just quit my job, quit university, delete all my social media and disappeared.

Would people notice?
Would people care?
Would people worry?

Do people want me in their lives?
Do people only want me to be there wall that they can throw their shit lives at and know I will listen?
Do people care when I lie in bed at night crying tears of heavy pain?
Do people not want me to try?
Do people like me? Or the person I can put on?

Will anyone accept me for myself?
Will anyone take me in and say you have a home with those you love?
Will I find a home?
Will someone love me the way that I love them? Maybe thats not the right question, will someone love me their own crazy beautiful way?

Im scared I am starting to believe the voices
Maybe they are right
Maybe strong friendship and love are for storybooks.
That reality is terrible when really its not reality that is terrible but really the reality in my brain.

Would people care if I disappeared?
Would they worry?

Future Questions

Why do we ask each other what we want to do with our lives? What we see ourselves doing in 5 years? When we will get married? When we will have kids?

Every week, year, decade changes what we want to do and how we view to world, how are we supposed to know what we want to do from the get go?

Why do we not instead start asking what do you want to do for yourself before you die? A bigger and grander question but one that will lead to small and vast ideas that are important whatever your ultimate life shapes out to be.

Maybe if we asked what we wanted to do before we die our dreams would be more tangible and todays trials and ups and downs would feel worth it.

If I was asked what I want to do before I die the list is pretty long, here are a few ideas that spring to mind.

Before I die, I want to
- Crash a wedding
- Have a cold/snowy christmas
- Ice skate on a pond
- Spray paint startling and encouraging messages all over a city
- Skydive
- Solo burlesque performance
- Climb a/many mountain(s)
- Walk in the wilderness for 100 days
- Have everyone that I love and care about in one place
- To make a bottle wish tree in a public place
- To sculpt, paint, draw, create exactly what I am feeling in an visual way
- To be able to hold my breath for 3 minutes
- Live everyday as though I've already lived it so I can appreciate the small parts
- Gather everyone in a neighbourhood to celebrate my dogs bday
- Learn to play the cello
- Join a band

And many many more ideas will increase the list as my life continues.

I'm done

Why can't I feel anything anymore?

Anxiety by any other name...

Anxiety, the word that people avoid or confuse with being anxious, stressed, confused.

This is my version of anxiety.
I can only write down what I've experienced.

Anxiety is waking up every morning and if you haven't laid your clothes out the night before you get a pain in your stomach about what you are going to wear.
Its being late and hating yourself every time you are because you know you calculated the walking before and you were on time.
Its calling your friend at anytime of day or night to ask them if you should take a certain bus or train or plane. Its running to the train, knowing you will miss it, knowing there is nothing you can do about it but yet feeling like you want to vomit.

Anxiety is staying up late because you haven't heard from those you love and you know that they are going through a tough time, yet anxiety makes you question calling them or checking in because you don't want to come off as clingy.
Anxiety is pushing other people to do their best because you want to push yourself to do the best but know that the anxiety will always be there to question everything.
Anxiety is wanting to say "fuck it" and leaving to try finding people with meaning and kindness yet knowing that you may always hate yourself for leaving.
Anxiety is knowing you love someone but not wanting to love them too much incase they get scared.

Anxiety is not wanting to go home to your family because you are so scared that they will judge you and not let you finish speaking.
Anxiety is crying every night because you feel alone but pushing people away because they wont hurt you as much if they get close.
Anxiety is trying to take a week to collect yourself and relax yet not being able to because the work and pressure gets too much.
Anxiety is asking if "we are ok," Its telling your friends thank you constantly so that they know how grateful you are for them putting up with your back and forth mind.
Anxiety makes letting go so hard because it doesnt see a balance and instead goodbye is either final or you are still in my life as an important human.

Anxiety is part of me. And its true, some days I truly hate it. And some people will never understand it and thats ok. But the people who do and know that when I crawl into bed and listen to loud music, walk to river in the middle of the night or hover over them asking if they are ok, its really a blessing to have you in my life. To the people who hold me when I have nightmares or answer my calls as I cry down the phone I promise that even if I havent told you, you are so so important to me and a treasure every singe one of you.

A letter to my body

Dear Body,

This is a letter from your mind. I know that you've been having a really tough time recently and I wanted to write you a letter.

Its not eloquent and pretty but rather it is very real and I truly I am sorry.
I completely love you, some days my self esteem dips and i'll miss that meal or i'll run up the flight of stairs. Somedays its the opposite where my mind is so messy that I treat you badly, eat terrible food, tense all my muscles, sleep at early hours and cry till my eyes are puffy. Somedays when I don't want to leave my bed, you remind me by your soreness to put one foot in front of the other, even if only to relieve my aching shoulders. It may sometimes feel like we are in conflict but in fact we are really allies.

I know it feels like nothing will ever relax and allow you not to wake up in pain but I promise you I, we, are working on it.
I know that its painful to do minor everyday activities. How when you get anxious instead of breathing and relaxing, I curl up into myself my whole spine contacting, my chest spasming, my eyeballs straining. It feels like some giant child has decided that I am a doll and is pulling my arms one way, my chest the other way and dragging my around behind him along the ground, where I bang my head as he walks clumsily down the stairs.

But know. Know that this is a letter of acknowledgment. I hear you, I know you are hurting. I know you hurt everyday but know that I am here and I am trying to fix it. One step at a time.

I may get angry at you but I will try instead to comfort you because it does no one any good to be yelled at when they are hurting. Instead a hug or support is so much more rewarding.

Body. You are beautiful, all your odd bits and pieces. You frizzy hair, you jiggly places, your dark hair and oddly shaped spine.
You are beautiful and I love you and always will, even if some days seem desolate, I will pick myself back up and comfort you becasue without my body I am nothing.

Yours always,

Mind

Its 2:30am in the morning

Its hard to know when you are delusional, my tell tale signs is that my vision goes funny and my breathing is laboured. I work myself up completely and it takes a long time to wind back down. My chest is in so much pain and I know my stomach wont be able to eat good food for a while as its in cramps. Acid is climbing in my throat. When people say something is eating at you, my body literally does that.

Its 2:30am in the morning.
My heart hurts, the light of my life is half way across the world drowning in his own mental pain and frustrations. I want to hold him. To simply be next to him, breathing the same air that he is. He is dealing with it in his own way, the confusion and the distance and the everyday life of being. 

My way of dealing with the overwhelming sense of failure is to cry, to wrack my body with sobs so strong that my head hurts and my eyes swim in many tears. My nose is filled with this pressure from the large amount of mucus in my nostrils. My chest, already tight from smoking three drunken cigarettes last night is so coiled up I’m questioning the health of my heart. I display my anxiety, pain and fear right into my body for everyone to question my health. For people to ask if I want anything for my migraine not knowing that it will take a lot more than ibuprofen to take away the pounding thoughts of irritation and frustration.

I feel stuffed with cotton wool, my eyes are getting heavy. I hope I can sleep. I have to get up in 5 hours. Not nearly enough for proper brain function. 

Oh well. We do what we must, right? We get up get a degree, get a job, find a hobby, find a family, get sick from stress, die. 

Let me re-order that; get sick from stress, try to get a degree – feel as though there's no point in getting said degree, get a job – realise that people you are working with are the reason you are either happy or sad, find a hobby – hope that the hobby can take some of the sadness away that’s creeping up on you, die - finally after you’ve rushed through life you get to rest – well probably not as you planned but it’s the same ending right?

I guess the night is for sleeping. And well, I should probably try to sleep.

Letting go

I am sorry but I must get going.

We cannot be friends

When you look at me you see a friendly face

When you look at me you see happiness perched on my lips

When I look at you I see pain and sadness

Not pain because you will hurt me 

Not pain because you will break my heart

Not pain because you will never see me the way I see you

But pain because I look at you and see so much love and caring

But now is not the time nor will it ever be.

Oh, look at the hour.

I’m sorry but I must go. 

(When you let go of a toxic friendship.)

Remarks

Don’t tread on my toes I am not a lamp

You don’t get to treat me like a rock in the room

No one gets to treat me like I am some dirt that they brush off

If you want to come near me be it in love or friendship know that I am not easy to use or pass off for something better.

If you want to be around me bring your all, bring your fire and bring your calm.

Connections are not trivial things to drop or pick up whenever you feel

Don’t treat me like a speck of dust in the corner, telling me you love me and care about me but then dusting me away as though I am a nonsense.

I am a human

I have a heart

I have a soul

You are lucky

This life is too short to spend with people who put your fire out

So if you do not want to respect me, then please take your wandering feet and walk out the door.

(Inspired by broken friendships and misogyny) 

How...

Cities, lights, winds, tastes, smells, different

Grass, fields, sheep, daffodils, pain, lightness

Freedom, loneliness, connection, forgetful, alone

Confusion, betrayal, knowledge, exploring, claustrophobia, happiness, love

Falling, guilt, fear, loathing, excitement, flying, fun, control

Old, overwhelm, tears, deep breathes, sweaty walks, plastered smiles

How do you explain to someone that without people life is useless to you. That loneliness and frustration is one step behind you. Guilt is chasing you from all angles.

How do you explain to someone that you have a sense of dread that sinks every morning and night to the pit of your stomach.

How do you explain to someone that if you could teleport you would.

How do you explain to someone that you are scared of genuine human connection because your scared to get hurt. If you keep everyone at arms length then you’ll be fine.

How do you explain to someone that you want to get close to people, that people, the good ones, they are worth so much. They are worth the tears and the distance. That it is ok to hurt.

But the world tells us to worry about ourselves first, that alone you can conquer your demons all without explaining to the world that you’re in pain and need help.

I don’t want life, unless I’m with those who I love. To be alone, to be struggling like you are pushing sand uphill.

How do you explain to someone the depth of the sadness that lies within; how you try to love people so deeply that it feels like you are loving yourself through them. How do you love yourself even when you have no motivation and you don’t care whether the world around you caves in.

How do you explain to people that you want to be positive, that you are positive. That something physically feels like its pulling you back. How do you explain to someone that conversations and stories and passions are what make the world go around. How do you get fired up about something when you feel like crawling back to bed?

Well. How do explain yourself truly to anyone?

My love

My love will go like this;
Little touches
Awkward glances
Funny nose spraying laughter
Odd moments
Bouncy days
Slight touches in secret
Pain followed by comfort or vice versa
Shivers of every kind
Spontaneity to climb to the top of the tower
Freedom from each other and to simply be
Caring no matter what the circumstances

Star Towers

They say that you will know the souls from your past lives

I would disagree with that, till I met you 

You fit perfectly like a puzzle piece into my confusing world 

I move around like a pin ball in an arcade, never staying put for longer than necessary yet you made me pause and changed my course in a subtle yet monumental way

The future is uncertain

The curtains not fully open

But I'll tell you a secret, everything happens for a reason 

And I bet that through this one time-stopping moment a domino affect will happen along the path

I see no evil coming my way from you stilling my chaotic world; I see only stolen smiles and star towers 

You and I

You smiled at me, I hated you.

You told me you cared about me, I smiled.

You told me not to listen to idiots, I laughed.

You held me and told me everything would be ok without him, I cried.

You told me I deserved better, I held you tight.

You told me that you missed me, I waiting to hear your voice at the end of a line.

You told me that you wanted me to come visit you, I arranged my life around you.

You told me that you were going to come surprise me, you didn’t come to see me.

I waited for you, you never showed up

I defended you, you didn’t care

I held you, you pushed me away

I cared for you, you didn’t think twice about me

I loved you, you tried to love me

You poisoned me, I fell down crying.

You betrayed me, my anger strangled me.

You asked for forgiveness, I couldn’t give it.

You asked me what you had done, I couldn’t swallow past my tears.

I never want to hear from you

I never want to talk to you

I never want you to hurt those close to me

I never want your manipulating tentacles near me

You never loved me, I gave you my all.