Its 2:30am in the morning

Its hard to know when you are delusional, my tell tale signs is that my vision goes funny and my breathing is laboured. I work myself up completely and it takes a long time to wind back down. My chest is in so much pain and I know my stomach wont be able to eat good food for a while as its in cramps. Acid is climbing in my throat. When people say something is eating at you, my body literally does that.

Its 2:30am in the morning.
My heart hurts, the light of my life is half way across the world drowning in his own mental pain and frustrations. I want to hold him. To simply be next to him, breathing the same air that he is. He is dealing with it in his own way, the confusion and the distance and the everyday life of being. 

My way of dealing with the overwhelming sense of failure is to cry, to wrack my body with sobs so strong that my head hurts and my eyes swim in many tears. My nose is filled with this pressure from the large amount of mucus in my nostrils. My chest, already tight from smoking three drunken cigarettes last night is so coiled up I’m questioning the health of my heart. I display my anxiety, pain and fear right into my body for everyone to question my health. For people to ask if I want anything for my migraine not knowing that it will take a lot more than ibuprofen to take away the pounding thoughts of irritation and frustration.

I feel stuffed with cotton wool, my eyes are getting heavy. I hope I can sleep. I have to get up in 5 hours. Not nearly enough for proper brain function. 

Oh well. We do what we must, right? We get up get a degree, get a job, find a hobby, find a family, get sick from stress, die. 

Let me re-order that; get sick from stress, try to get a degree – feel as though there's no point in getting said degree, get a job – realise that people you are working with are the reason you are either happy or sad, find a hobby – hope that the hobby can take some of the sadness away that’s creeping up on you, die - finally after you’ve rushed through life you get to rest – well probably not as you planned but it’s the same ending right?

I guess the night is for sleeping. And well, I should probably try to sleep.