A letter to my body

Dear Body,

This is a letter from your mind. I know that you've been having a really tough time recently and I wanted to write you a letter.

Its not eloquent and pretty but rather it is very real and I truly I am sorry.
I completely love you, some days my self esteem dips and i'll miss that meal or i'll run up the flight of stairs. Somedays its the opposite where my mind is so messy that I treat you badly, eat terrible food, tense all my muscles, sleep at early hours and cry till my eyes are puffy. Somedays when I don't want to leave my bed, you remind me by your soreness to put one foot in front of the other, even if only to relieve my aching shoulders. It may sometimes feel like we are in conflict but in fact we are really allies.

I know it feels like nothing will ever relax and allow you not to wake up in pain but I promise you I, we, are working on it.
I know that its painful to do minor everyday activities. How when you get anxious instead of breathing and relaxing, I curl up into myself my whole spine contacting, my chest spasming, my eyeballs straining. It feels like some giant child has decided that I am a doll and is pulling my arms one way, my chest the other way and dragging my around behind him along the ground, where I bang my head as he walks clumsily down the stairs.

But know. Know that this is a letter of acknowledgment. I hear you, I know you are hurting. I know you hurt everyday but know that I am here and I am trying to fix it. One step at a time.

I may get angry at you but I will try instead to comfort you because it does no one any good to be yelled at when they are hurting. Instead a hug or support is so much more rewarding.

Body. You are beautiful, all your odd bits and pieces. You frizzy hair, you jiggly places, your dark hair and oddly shaped spine.
You are beautiful and I love you and always will, even if some days seem desolate, I will pick myself back up and comfort you becasue without my body I am nothing.

Yours always,

Mind

Its 2:30am in the morning

Its hard to know when you are delusional, my tell tale signs is that my vision goes funny and my breathing is laboured. I work myself up completely and it takes a long time to wind back down. My chest is in so much pain and I know my stomach wont be able to eat good food for a while as its in cramps. Acid is climbing in my throat. When people say something is eating at you, my body literally does that.

Its 2:30am in the morning.
My heart hurts, the light of my life is half way across the world drowning in his own mental pain and frustrations. I want to hold him. To simply be next to him, breathing the same air that he is. He is dealing with it in his own way, the confusion and the distance and the everyday life of being. 

My way of dealing with the overwhelming sense of failure is to cry, to wrack my body with sobs so strong that my head hurts and my eyes swim in many tears. My nose is filled with this pressure from the large amount of mucus in my nostrils. My chest, already tight from smoking three drunken cigarettes last night is so coiled up I’m questioning the health of my heart. I display my anxiety, pain and fear right into my body for everyone to question my health. For people to ask if I want anything for my migraine not knowing that it will take a lot more than ibuprofen to take away the pounding thoughts of irritation and frustration.

I feel stuffed with cotton wool, my eyes are getting heavy. I hope I can sleep. I have to get up in 5 hours. Not nearly enough for proper brain function. 

Oh well. We do what we must, right? We get up get a degree, get a job, find a hobby, find a family, get sick from stress, die. 

Let me re-order that; get sick from stress, try to get a degree – feel as though there's no point in getting said degree, get a job – realise that people you are working with are the reason you are either happy or sad, find a hobby – hope that the hobby can take some of the sadness away that’s creeping up on you, die - finally after you’ve rushed through life you get to rest – well probably not as you planned but it’s the same ending right?

I guess the night is for sleeping. And well, I should probably try to sleep.