...I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. We both have so much growing to do but the thought of not being with you leaves my throat dry and my eyes teary. I know that we both have each others best intentions at heart. I would be here as your friend if it meant that you would be able to move forward healthily and do what you wanted. But god its hard sometimes to not just throw everything out the window and get on a plane to see you. I know the universe wants us to be apart for a while but it seems cruel to put so many obstacles in the way.
You drive me crazy, I want to bash you over the head sometimes when you are being grumpy and sullen but then you reach out and I get angry at you and you apologise for being a idiot and we talk about communication and next time you reach out sooner and I get angrier quicker but it all fizzles out when you hold me and we calm down. Sometimes I look at you and I am so confused as how we are together given the obstacles and the differences in our reactions but then we start talking about the world and I remember why. You make me laugh and smile. You take me seriously...well... unless you are tickling me. You challenge me to think about my own mental abilities and how far I can push myself. We see the world so differently and maybe if we lived in the same place we would blow up.
I am learning to say what I feel properly without just thinking of the other person, its slow and maybe that will cause issues. But truly its the small things helping one another here and there that matter to me. The occasional note, the spontaneous outing, the times when laughter is needed and other times where mixed tears are needed.
I am so unsure of the future and I promised myself that I wont control it. Maybe in 5 years we will pass each other on social media and there will only be a slight reaction, maybe we will be living together, maybe we will be amazing friends and I can say words at your wedding, maybe we will be apart for two years and meet up and the connection is still there. What I am saying is that I don't know what will happen but I want what is best for both of us.
Right now I miss you, it hurts but maybe this pain causes me to move and do something, maybe it will dull over time. Again I don't know.
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