....I’m talking about collapsing and screaming at the moon.”
They say that you don’t know love until your heart is broken
and obliterated, that without heartbreak as they call it no one would know how
valuable real love is.
With you it was different from the start, we weren’t
anything yet you were everything to me. My eyes were red and raw by the time I
was done trying to convince myself that I didn’t need you. I would have walked
to the end of the world for you trying to make you understand that yes you may
love me but no one would ever be able to match the love I felt for you, not
even you. So in a sense it was over before it began.
Its been a year now, I’ve tried to convince myself that you
aren’t and never were worth the pain and the fear and the sadness. That I can
love again. I throw myself into relationships only to have fresh pain poured
onto me when they say oh its casual nothing serious. Before you I only sought
those who truly wanted to be with me, after you I made it my unconscious
decision to only be with those who didn’t want me. It would remind me of you in
a messed up way.
But truly it never did, you were always kind, never mean.
These men were mean, they made it all emotional and then tore away any
semblance of trust I built up, they were only after one thing. You, you were
different. You had been hurt by heart break, you had felt as though you were
never going to live again but you made it through and it made you stronger.
You never intended to hurt me, never wanted to. You loved me
in your own way, you told me, ‘Trust me you don’t want to be with me. You don’t
want me to be anything but a really good friend, trust me on that will you,’
and with that and a small kiss you left.
I collapsed and cried and screamed. I sat on the floor
watched soppy movies and cried for you more. I would lay out on the roof and
stare at the bright moon wondering what you were doing now and why you left.
We are friends now, we talk to each other, we laugh and
joke. I am very good at showing that I am over you that I don’t love you or
care that you get with other girls but honestly it hurts me and every time you
dance with another girl or kiss another girl my heart is ripped out anew.
We don’t live near each other anymore, we keep in touch
sometimes but I don’t let myself answer your messages quickly or let myself
hope that you will reply. I know you are happy and enjoying living your life.
And one day soon I can feel it, I will enjoy life to. And sometimes I already
do.
Sometimes on dark nights when the moon is bright and shining
down on me I let my tears flow silently down my cheeks letting my love for you
once again rise to the surface. Briefly letting myself feel the strength of the
emotion that I had for you before sinking them slowly down into the depths of
my mind.
No comments:
Post a Comment